I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
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u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
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Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"