Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through