I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick