and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts