I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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