Me too!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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