Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
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He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
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I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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