Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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