Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
