she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
