Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just found a bag of teeth...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
