When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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