Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
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