Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
