your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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