It's a beautiful day for a hangover
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
