so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
