I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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