Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
