how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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