I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
