The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
