She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
