: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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