I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
