i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
