omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
