we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
