weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
