I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
