I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
