you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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