Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
