I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
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I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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