cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
