I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
