I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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