Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
