wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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