I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
