i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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