Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
