I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
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