I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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