I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
