Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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