all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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