Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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