You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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