We're like a lot better than the average bears
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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