R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
