from now on my penis is your penis
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
