Just fell off a train. Bad.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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