dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
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I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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