I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
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I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.