someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!