I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately