wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
