Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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