she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
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well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
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You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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