Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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