My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
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I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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