I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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