i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
