apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
