I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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